It is important for individuals to confront, accept, and let go of childhood trauma before becoming parents themselves. A common trend that seems to take place is that people who hold on to that anger and resentment tend to start exemplifying it. What I mean by this is, because we are trying so hard not to be something (do not yell, do not beat, do not be like my parent, etc.), our conscious mind is only thinking of those things. Eventually, we start exhibiting those behaviors. Now, I know this will upset a lot of people but let me ask you something. When you were being raised and your parents were mistreating you, did they say things like, u201cAt least I am not as bad as my parents, my parents used to beat me much worse than what I do to you, you should be grateful, I am not like my parentsu201d? If they did, then this is a great example of what I am discussing.
Due to our anger and resentment left behind from unprocessed trauma, we set a low bar on behaviors, and if we are slightly above that low bar, we feel we are doing fine. When we do the inner work instead, we give ourselves the opportunity to be the person we want to be, instead of focusing on who we are trying not to be. This is common with alcoholism and drug addiction. We tell people to focus on what they want instead of what they do not want. If someone wakes up and their first thought is, I am not going to drink today, they have already implanted drinking into their mind.
So, something we can do is start focusing on the behaviors we want to exhibit. Instead of, u201cI do not want to be like my dad/mom,u201d we could say u201cI want to be the best father/mother I can be.u201d We can even break it further down to basic characteristics. For example, instead of u201cI do not want to yell like my parents or discipline like my parents,u201d we could state u201cI want to be a patient or empathetic parent,u201d or u201cI want to have a good balance of discipline and understanding.u201d By raising the bar and intentionally focusing on the positive behaviors we want to exemplify, we are setting up our conscious and subconscious mind to work towards something, versus running away from something. History has the potential to make us stronger or to keep us weak. We have the final decision, but it is up to us to make it.